Kill the Fangirls, the game
by Space-Weazel
Summary: Rated R for language and mass killing. A humorous game I made so I could kill fangirls, squee!


Fan girl extermination  
  
The species Many-Rabidus de teenager female', commonly known as the Fan girl is plentiful around all major sites on the W3 (www, aka internet). These sites include Elfwood, message and chat boards, and yes, they have even spread their foul disease to Fanfiction.net.  
  
Much to our misfortune, almost all of FFN has been overtaken by the Fan girl plague. Swiftly, like a thief in the night, they came upon us; their group power is devastating. The only way to completely destroy the Fan girl threat is to separate them from the group. When cornered, the fan girl will whine, cry, and eventually shrivel up in a fetal position and die. I'm here to teach you all the skills you need to destroy the Fan girls. Get a pencil and paper, note taking time!  
  
You need the following:  
  
One wooden cross. Steel is also acceptable Three wooden stakes, just incase the first doesn't work. A cute, cuddly puppy. They will be so eveloped with the cuteness, they might explode. A big gun, the bigger the better A car. There's nothing like chasing your prey off a bridge.  
  
And lastly, and most importantly, a pretty boy. If you have the standard issue pretty boy, complete with skin tight clothing and huge blue eyes, kudos to you.  
  
And-wait, we have breaking news! The Harry Potter section of FF.net has been flooded by Fangirls, they brought their little friends.. The Mary Sue. Now scout, gather your equitment, it's time to get funky!  
  
Harry Potter archive 1600 hours Mission: Destroy all fan girls, save internet.  
  
Are you ready?  
  
Yes?  
  
Okay, we're moving in! See? There's one of the buggers right there! She's only a little one, you can take her!  
  
WHAT?! You don't know how to kill a fangirl? Have you even been listening you slimy maggot? Fine, I'll kill her for you, wussy.  
  
"Hey miss armed angry person! What are you doing with that badger? Help! HELP! IT'S EATING MY NOSTRILS! **hack****hack****choke****die**  
  
Sorry, I forgot to mention you need a badger, here take frizzy-poo, he likes fresh fan girl in the morning.  
  
Ah, the Mary Sue has arrived to help her fan girl. Now scout, here's how you deal with a Mary Sue. **whiper****whisper** Now, go make me proud  
  
"Hey mr. Armed person, would you like to see my boobs to? What are you doing with tha- hey I said you could look not- my bra, you took my precious bra! What are you. A slingshot! Ahh! A badger! Nooo! Flying badger! **runs away** Nooo! It's urinating on my hair! I'm melting, I'm melting, what a world, what a world.."  
  
Good job private, your name is now Private Bob! Now Bob, are we going to save Harry Potter or not! Lets go!  
  
Location: Hogwarts Mission: Destroy all fan girls, save internet, restore all peace to the Harry Potter Universe.  
  
Look at them Bob. Three hundred thousand fan girls. Look, you take Gryphondor, I'll take slythern. Here, you'll need this nuclear bomb, if anything goes wrong, grab Harry and run like hell. Got it? Right, and Bob, may God be with you.  
  
A Mary Sue spot you and yells "Hey you! You aren't a Mary Sue! Die!"  
  
What do you Do? A: Shoot her B: Run Away  
  
If you picked A read this, If you picked B go to the next paragraph. Okay, you killed the Mary Sue, now you continue to infiltrate Hogwarts. While walking down a long corridor you run into Remus Lupin. He ask you to help him find Harry. What do you do? A: Help him find Harry B: Run away C: Tell him to piss of and die D: Shoot him  
  
You picked B and ran away. You cheap chicken shit. I mean really, one little Mary Sue. Now go home and change your pants, you're starting to smell. Game over, start again  
  
If you picked A read this, If you picked B-D read the next paragraph. You go along with Remus. He seems pretty nice. After what seems like ours of walking you come to a room with five doors. Two are red, two are green, and one is pink with little frills. Which one do you go to? A2: door1 red B2: door 2 red C2: door 3 green D2: door 4 green E2: door 5 pink frill  
  
If you picked B read this, if you picked anything else, go down a paragraph or two. You ran away. You probably ran away last time to. You really are a wuss. Did you think mean old werewolf boy was going to hurt you? Ha ha ha! LOSER! Game over, Start again  
  
If you picked C, read this. Oh my, you told Remus to piss off AND die. You poor bastard. Now run away seems like a pretty good option. He's starting to get angry. What do you do? A3: Shoot him B3: Run like hell, then shoot him  
  
If you picked D, read this. OMG you killed Remus!!! What kind of psycho are you?! Wait a moment. he's not dead. Quick shoot him again, shoot him again! There we go, nice and dead. Now you're going to jail for killing a character that actually MATTERED. Game over, start again.  
  
If you picked A2 or B2, guess again. They lead into a realm of complete and total darkness where you were forced to eat your own limbs to ensure your survival. But don't fret. Snape found you and put you on display for the Museum of Stupid Muggles Who Happened To Pick The Red Doors Of DOOM.  
  
If you picked C2, congratulations, you found a heard of green sheep. What a surprise! Oh my. The sheep sure did get friendly with Mr. Lupin there. What could they be.! Holy shit, it IS possible. What do you know, a sheep and a wolf getting it on. er. I mean along. getting along. Sorry children, Remus will never be the same. You cautiously walked away from Remus and the sheep. You can either pick another door, but after the sheep, that doesn't seem too appealing. Here are some better options that you thought of A3: Go back and rescue Remus Lupin B3: Go find that strange person that gave you a badger and got you into this whole mess. C3: Run away cause you're a piss pants mamma's boy.  
  
If you picked D2, you are in for a surprise. The writers of the Harry Potter Yaoi fanfiction are tryping away. Because they have evil powers they are making Remus flirt with you! Joyous joy? Hey. he has really pretty eyes. No! They've used their dark powers on you to! Can't resist. animal instincts. Arrrr! A4: Shoot all the writers, mass genocide is fun, no? B4: Shoot Remus.  
  
If you picked E2, read this. You stepped correct.. **snicker** I'm not so hip. Inside the pink door was a hoard of rabid Fan girls. They seem to be happy about something. What do you do? A5: Run away B5: Shoot them all, MURDER, KILL, DEATHS!  
  
If you picked A3 read this. Oh my. Remus has become rather popular with the furry population. You must shield you eyes. You just don't do THAT with sheep man. After that little horrifying moment you head back into the room when you meet Harry Potter, and save him from the fangirls. Go you, mission complete, You win!  
  
If you picked B3 read this. Well you found the badger girl (me) and she is currently killing off Mary Sues with 'the pen of ultimate honor'. She stops for a moment when she sees you. A look of bitchiness spreads across her face. Then she stabs you in the anus. You wake up in the hospital three hours later, a stinging sensation is throbbing in your buttocks. You try to walk but damn, your butt frigging hurts! You suddenly find yourself on the floor with a pair of pink high heels in your face. The Mary Sue has spread. She appears to be Okay, you guess. She sets you back in the hospital bed and gives you a cathiter. All good opinions about her change instantly. Luckily for you, she slipped in Jell-o and broke her neck. Heh heh heh. dumb ass Mary Sue.  
  
If you picked C3, you know what I'm going to say, now get lost soggy bottom Bob.  
  
If you picked A4, read this. Okay, so all the yaoi fanfiction writers are dead, now you move onto the yuri writers, but Remus is one step ahead of you and has killed most of them. Didn't think he was THAT violent. Now you hear footsteps coming your way. A boy appears in the doorway, it's can Harry Potter. So you think, you completed your mission? Not by half. Harry Potter seems to be in some kind of freaky trance and he tries to kill you, what do you do? A6: Kill him first, yeah try that again fucking you who lived, MWAHAHAHAHA! B6: See if you can negotiate, he might like your cow print boxers.  
  
If you picked B4, read this. Great, you shot Remus, just when it was getting good to. Well, anyway, the writers are summoning up all their evilness to perform their ultimate attack, Hanky Panky! Things just keep getting better don't they? What will you do? A7: Kill! You're a narrow-minded person, aren't you? B7: Run away C7: Stop them and save Hogwarts  
  
If you picked A5, read this. For once, Run away is the right answer, lucky you! After you ran out of the Mary Sue swamped room the Sues went on a cannibalistic feeding frenzy and ate themselves. How sad, but It saved you some time. Inside the room you find none other than Draco Malfoy tied buck naked to a chair with duct tape over his mouth. A loud grunt indicates he wants his clothes, so you happily toss them to him. He growls at you. Mistaking this as a bad sign you poke his nose. He yips, screams like a girl, and tilts his chair over. After your done laughing your ass off, you help him up, untie him, and are forced to turn away while he gets dressed. Draco then walks out a door that mysteriously appeared on the far wall. Do you follow him? A8: No, are you kidding? B8: Hell yeah!  
  
If you picked B5, read this. You made me proud today Bob, you killed all the Mary Sues. but one who was really a vampire in disguise and sucked you dry. Is my face red, this almost never happens. You are the weakest link! Goodbye, start over.  
  
If you picked A6, read this. Well thank you very much. You killed Harry Potter. Now what? You killed your mission you idiot. Well, maybe it you attach a few strings and make him a puppet, nobody will noice. Game over, start again.  
  
If you picked B6, read this. After a long, excruciating negotiation, Harry Potter manages to get away with your underwear, socks, and a slinky you've had since the third grade. It seems like a good time so vamoose so off the three of you go down the hall outside. Yippee! You won, joy to the world!  
  
If you picked A7, read this. Well, well, well, look what we have here, lots of dead bodies with stakes in them. You have used your weapons well my young padre! Only one problem. While you were on your killing spree you impaled Remus you fart! No worries though, there's a fool moon out and he transformes into a werewolf. Worries for you because you were the one who stabbed him. One word of advice for you: Run.  
  
If you picked B7, read this. Now that you're running, flailing your arms like an idiot, your brain starts working and you set the nuclear bomb to 10 seconds. After five seconds have passed you see how stupid you were and run back to stop it. But you get there too late and the entire school is vaporized. Start over cause this game is kicking your butt.  
  
If you picked C7, read this. Man, you are a diehard Marty Stu/ Mary Sue. Just kidding. Well you did stop them from killing you with Hanky Panky, but you did not save Hogwarts yet. So you. A9: Go SAVE Hogwarts B9: Go KILL Fangirls  
  
If you picked A8, read this. A giant crab drops from the ceiling. Naturally you run around in circles screaming like the wuss you are. The crab, shocked by your sudden wussyness climbs back into the ceiling, how extrodinarily lucky. Now the frying pan of Doom is after you, so you. A10: Destroy it A11: Chase after Draco.  
  
If you picked B8, read this. Well you chased Draco into that room. Now he's just leaning against the wall like he's all that and a bag of chips. When you step forward he presses a little button on a wall. A secret passage opens beneath your feet and you drop into a giant pit of water where a shark eats you. Game over, Start again.  
  
If you picked A9, you forgot your mission. You were suppose to kill the fangirls. Ha ha ha. and to think you came all this way for nothing. What? You're not going to start over! You're going to pick B9?! You ungrateful he- bitch! Do you know how long I worked on this? Well, not long. But long enough, now carry you lazy bum ass back to the top and start over, **RAWR**  
  
If you picked A10, read this. After a valiant battle with the frying pan, you broke it into a million pieces. Now a flood of fan girls come in to kill you. Taking your punishment like a man, you bring out your trusty badger and melt all the fan girls with badger milk. Whoot! You rule man. The first one to ACTUALLY WIN THE GAME!  
  
If you picked A11, read this. Draco, annoyed at you for catching him naked, blows your ass strait to hell. The end, you loose. Bye! 


End file.
